This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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