So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
