dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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