Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
