I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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