I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
