dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
