can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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