dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
