Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
