His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
