i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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