She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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