Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
