I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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