I didn't shave. On purpose
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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