I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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