my phone needs a breathalizer
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
