Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
