Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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