My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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