cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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