You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize