so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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