Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize