my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
