a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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