it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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