It's Friday. Sex?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
