Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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