the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
