I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
