Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
