idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
