Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize