I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
