You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
