He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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