Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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