My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
