Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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