I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
