i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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