she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
