so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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