'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
