Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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