I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
