He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
