the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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