i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
