I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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