Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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