I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
