We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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