proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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