when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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