R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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