you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
