I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
