i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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