The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Even my vagina gasped.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Randomize
