So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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