Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
