we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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