Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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