I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I need to align my fucking chakras
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
