Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
